Letting Go

         Lately, I've been thinking about the fine line between ambition and malaise. Discomfort can be useful, especially in service of progressive improvement, however there are times when I find myself criticizing everything around me without doing anything about it. By definition, that's malaise - discomfort in search of a cause. My point is that there are times when absolutely everything pisses me off. It's no fun for anyone involved. There are several people in my life right now who approach life from a caretaker's perspective. They don't make peace, they keep it - so to speak. Regardless, this is one of the reasons why being alone is seemingly productive to me. If I have as complete control as I can manage of my surroundings it becomes much easier to have as complete control as is possible of my emotions - and convert my malaise into ambition. Theoretically though isolationism is a poor coping mechanism, but in reality it's often the best I've got. There a times when having an isolationist bent is just plain ineffective - as is frequently the case when temporarily "staying" with one's family.

See, I lived in a motor-home full-time for the majority of 2014 (if memory serves) and when I eventually sold it I found I was unable to immediately replace it with something I felt worth having. Consequently, for the past few months I've been residing in, or near, my grandmother's driveway in a pop-up camper, and before that in a non-pop-up camper, both in the back of my truck. There have been several times when I've needed to perform various functions (laundry, shower, potty, or even sleep) in the house. Times like when the front half of my camper collapsed onto the roof of my truck or like when I decided to buy a camper without "facilities" and use a portable toilet. Neither of which experiences would I recommend to anyone. Most recently I've sold my pop-up camper in favour of something more discreet and have essentially "moved-in" as a result -- and it's driving me bat-shit crazy.

Getting back to my point, I'm attempting to find some way of functioning in an independent manner regardless of whether or not I'm surrounded by those who are definitely not. Which brings me to the title of this post. As a codependent, it's incredibly difficult to be around folks who behave in ways that encourage behaviours you're trying to curb. It's like an alcoholic literally residing in a bar. Often it seems that the only way to win is to not play. Isolationism again. However, all of the research I've done, and personal experience, suggests that the path to being at peace regardless of your company is to let go. Let go of expectations and interpretations. Let go of attachment to outside opinions and external identifiers. Easier said than done, I know. I'm only successful at it some of the time, and that quantity fluctuates greatly from day to day. Regardless, it seems to be the only path to tranquillity for me, rocky and tenuous though it may be.

Sovereignty eventually...